Tag Archives: wise words

“You can either practice being right or practice being kind.” – Anne Lamott

March 28, 2012friendship, relationships, Wisdom From the Ages, Wise Wordsanne lamott, friendship, quotes, relationship, wise wordsKirsetin

About ten years ago I was talking with a friend about relationships and she said, “Sometimes it’s more important to be kind than to be right.” She probably didn’t even know she was paraphrasing Anne Lamott.

Right up until that very moment, I’m not sure I’d ever considered this idea before. But my friend’s words stuck with me because, you know, I really like to be right. I like to win.

Royal Flush: Is it better to be right or to be kind? — photo by Melissa Gray

But Anne Lamott’s words add an interesting twist: you have to practice this, she says, one way or the other. What would it mean to practice being kind, instead?

Here’s where I must admit that I’m hard-wired to argue certain points, although I didn’t always recognize this about myself. When I was 23 and living in San Francisco, in the midst of a deep discussion with my good friend, John, I declared, “I don’t think I’m a very opinionated person.” (Because, really, does that seem like a positive attribute?) “Well,” John posited, “how do you feel about x, y and z?” naming three topics that were near and dear to my heart. That wasn’t fair! The issues John mentioned were important ones. Shouldn’t I have an opinion on those?

That conversation with John got me thinking. Yes, I decided, I should have an opinion on issues I care deeply about. But it’s what I do with those opinions that matters. And this is the fine line. How do we balance what we believe to be true with being kind to others and living authentically?

For me, this came down to another clichéd truisum: Choose your battles.

Here are a few areas where I think I’m right but that aren’t worth arguing about: when the dishwasher should be emptied, how laundry should be sorted, & where to buy gasoline (Costco!). These are small things, but if I gather enough of them into my quiver I’ll be shooting arrows at my loved ones all day long.

labrador retreiver — my super cute lab puppy

There are bigger things, too. For example, I try very hard not to offer advice unless it’s solicited. Even then, I’m careful to balance my personal philosophy with real life because, guess what? Not everyone has to live by my rules. This is shocking news, right? I might think, for example, that you should only buy Labrador Retrievers because they’re beautiful, and friendly, and hey, who minds a little shedding here and there? But if you show up with an ugly, mean dog, I won’t say a thing. If you ask, I might bring up the mean part, but definitely not the ugly. After all, it’s your dog. Maybe you think he’s gorgeous, and really, how does that matter? I’m going to assume you’re as smart as I think you are, which means you already know he’s mean and ugly and you love him anyway.

The thing about being “right” is that it often assumes a baseline philosophy, and there’s no rulebook that says your baseline is my baseline. You might, in fact, think it’s absolutely wrong to pay good money for a purebred dog when there are so many dogs in shelters that need a good home. Touché. That’s your baseline and as far as I can tell, we’re both entitled to our own.

It takes time and practice to learn when to let an issue go and when to push. It takes time and practice to learn that we don’t always have to be right. And with enough time and practice, maybe we can even learn how to advance our viewpoint on issues we deem important, while we still practice being kind.

What do you think about Anne Lamott’s wise words? Let me know in the comments & add a link, too, if you’ve written about it on your own blog.

Wise Words: Be Right or Be Kind?

March 26, 2012friendship, relationships, Wisdom From the Ages, Wise Wordsanne lamott, friendship, kindness, quotes, wise wordsKirsetin

Last week, I wrote about George Washington’s advice that “‘tis better to be alone than in bad company.” Mayberry Mom and Velveteen Mama weighed in with thoughts of their own, and I think we all generally agreed on this: we need time alone and it’s hard to come by.

This week, on Wednesday, I’ll be writing about these wise words by Anne Lamott:

“You can either practice being right or practice being kind.”

Oooh, it’s a good one, right?

Can you relate to this quote? I’d love to know if you try to apply this idea, if you’re successful (and if so, how?), or if you generally disagree with it.

You can link up with your thoughts on Wednesday (details on the Wise Words discussion here).

When Are We Better Off Alone?

March 21, 2012friendship, life, perspective, relationships, Uncategorized, Wisdom From the Ages, Wise Wordsfriendship, life, quotes, relationships, wisdom, wise wordsKirsetin

Wise Words: 'Tis Better to Be Alone — photo by Alejandra Mavroski

“‘Tis better to be alone, than in bad company.” -George Washington

Some of us like being alone more than others. I’m in the former camp. Me, a book, a burger, and a beer? Beautiful! There are few things I like better than slipping away for an evening out by myself to relish anonymity and quiet among the crowds.

When I think of us echoing George Washington’s words–perhaps to our children–I think that sometimes words are easy for us to say simply because they’re catchy. We hear a phrase we like, we latch onto it and repeat it without ever stopping to think about what it really means.

But when George Washington says, “’Tis better to be alone, than in bad company,” what does he mean by “bad company”? Who defines “bad”? Because none of us really think we’re spending our free time hanging out with shady characters, do we?

As I thought about this idea, I considered my own friendships. I thought about the ebb and flow, about how sometimes I take more and sometimes I give more. I thought about the time I sat across from my girlfriend and poured my parenting heart out while she listened and encouraged me to hang in there. I thought about the time I spent comforting another friend, whose husband decided that 15 years of marriage was enough for him. I thought about how this ebb and flow is critical to long-term friendship, because none of us can be on the giving side all of the time. And if you’re not taking sometimes, you’re not giving your friends the opportunity to really know you, so you’re not developing a long-term friendship after all. You’re just having coffee.

As I pondered this, I began to wonder about those people—the ones who are always givers or always takers—and I wondered if they fall in the “bad company” category?

Would it be better to spend time alone?

Link up below with your thoughts on these wise words (details here).