“Just wait,” people said. “Wait until he gets to high school. You won’t believe how fast the time flies.”
“Enjoy them,” said the older ladies in the supermarket, as my toddler screamed and wiggled in the seat strap and my baby struggled to be seen in the cart, nestled between the Cheerios and peanut butter.
And they were right, of course. The time is flying.
But it’s not just our offspring’s childhood that can slip by, suddenly gone, without us comprehending where it went or how that happened or savoring the difficult moments along with the lovely, sunnier ones.
“Life wastes itself while we are preparing to live.”
What a terrible truth.
We hear it often, don’t we, that we must live in the moment? So often, we roll our eyes at this advice and wonder how on earth we can live with intention and focus on the Important Things when we have diapers to change and groceries to purchase and laundry to wash.
And the truth is, the wonderful truth, that we can’t do it all. We can drop that notion as quickly as we picked it up. We can work. We can mother. We can be wives. We can do the Important Things but we must take one simple and critical step first:
We must identify what is truly important to us.
And your Important Things won’t be the same as my Important Things.
When we know what’s most Important to us, it’s much easier to choose. It’s easier to let the laundry go for a day, or skip a soccer game for a much-needed laugh with 4 of the funniest friend a girl could ask for.
Is anyone else as amazed as I am by the many and varied perspectives we all have? On Wednesday, I wrote about how hard it can be for me to choose being kind over being right, depending on the circumstances. I had a lot of fun contemplating Anne Lamott’s quote, “You can either practice being right or practice being kind.” But even better, I loved reading these other writers’ responses.
photo by srqpix of Jason Luper mural
Velveteen Mama disagreed a bit with Anne Lamott and argued that “the crux is our dependency on the outcome.”
In her post, SusieJ described how taking her boys to a church they like–not the one she would choose–has been a surprise blessing.
And Mayberry Mom just made me laugh, as she agreed that it’s difficult “to let go of being right when it doesn’t really matter,” but insisted that how we load the dishwasher does matter!
About ten years ago I was talking with a friend about relationships and she said, “Sometimes it’s more important to be kind than to be right.” She probably didn’t even know she was paraphrasing Anne Lamott.
Right up until that very moment, I’m not sure I’d ever considered this idea before. But my friend’s words stuck with me because, you know, I really like to be right. I like to win.
photo by Melissa Gray
But Anne Lamott’s words add an interesting twist: you have to practice this, she says, one way or the other. What would it mean to practice being kind, instead?
Here’s where I must admit that I’m hard-wired to argue certain points, although I didn’t always recognize this about myself. When I was 23 and living in San Francisco, in the midst of a deep discussion with my good friend, John, I declared, “I don’t think I’m a very opinionated person.” (Because, really, does that seem like a positive attribute?) “Well,” John posited, “how do you feel about x, y and z?” naming three topics that were near and dear to my heart. That wasn’t fair! The issues John mentioned were important ones. Shouldn’t I have an opinion on those?
That conversation with John got me thinking. Yes, I decided, I should have an opinion on issues I care deeply about. But it’s what I do with those opinions that matters. And this is the fine line. How do we balance what we believe to be true with being kind to others and living authentically?
For me, this came down to another clichéd truisum: Choose your battles.
Here are a few areas where I think I’m right but that aren’t worth arguing about: when the dishwasher should be emptied, how laundry should be sorted, & where to buy gasoline (Costco!). These are small things, but if I gather enough of them into my quiver I’ll be shooting arrows at my loved ones all day long.
my super cute lab puppy
There are bigger things, too. For example, I try very hard not to offer advice unless it’s solicited. Even then, I’m careful to balance my personal philosophy with real life because, guess what? Not everyone has to live by my rules. This is shocking news, right? I might think, for example, that you should only buy Labrador Retrievers because they’re beautiful, and friendly, and hey, who minds a little shedding here and there? But if you show up with an ugly, mean dog, I won’t say a thing. If you ask, I might bring up the mean part, but definitely not the ugly. After all, it’s your dog. Maybe you think he’s gorgeous, and really, how does that matter? I’m going to assume you’re as smart as I think you are, which means you already know he’s mean and ugly and you love him anyway.
The thing about being “right” is that it often assumes a baseline philosophy, and there’s no rulebook that says your baseline is my baseline. You might, in fact, think it’s absolutely wrong to pay good money for a purebred dog when there are so many dogs in shelters that need a good home. Touché. That’s your baseline and as far as I can tell, we’re both entitled to our own.
It takes time and practice to learn when to let an issue go and when to push. It takes time and practice to learn that we don’t always have to be right. And with enough time and practice, maybe we can even learn how to advance our viewpoint on issues we deem important, while we still practice being kind.
What do you think about Anne Lamott’s wise words? Let me know in the comments & add a link, too, if you’ve written about it on your own blog.
