“How often we find ourselves turning our backs on our actual friends, that we may go and meet their ideal cousins.” – Henry David Thoreau
Every time I read this quote it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. Do you get that feeling? Is it just me? Perhaps it’s because I’ve been on both sides of this equation.
I’m fortunate to have a wonderful group of friends—some from years and places past, others that I see regularly—whom I’d never turn my back on. These are the women whose company I simply enjoy. We laugh together, mostly; we share life with its joys and challenges; we celebrate each other’s accomplishments and talk through our troubles. We walk, we run, we raise a glass. Sometimes, we cry.
I can’t imagine looking beyond these women for their ideal cousins. They are the ideal cousins.
But I didn’t always have this tribe. I moved a lot as a child, I went to college far away from home. When I graduated, I moved to the other coast. Making new friends is hard; finding the ones you love—even harder. But I’ve been lucky: I’ve made a good friend or two every step along the way. All these years later, that means I have a bevy of go-to-girlfriends that I wouldn’t trade for the world.
As my mind strolled back through the years and friendships, I thought about the insecurity of youth and how I struggled to make my way in the wide, wide world. I thought about how, as I stumbled foal-like towards my tribe, I probably did just what Thoreau says. I made new friends and kept looking, just beyond, for ones that would “fit” me better. I probably hurt some feelings along the way. I probably missed out on some friendships that would have been fast and true.
I also thought about the times I’ve been on the receiving end. Because, let’s face it, I’m not always the ideal cousin. I’ve felt the thin smile, the glance over the shoulder, the “I wonder who’s in the other room?”
Bloggers—do you feel this with blogging? I do. There are so many people in the blogosphere, and so many who are interesting. We want to know them. We want them to know us. Occasionally we meet someone we like. She likes us. But then it turns out that she likes the cool kids more. We don’t hear from her much anymore. There’s no question: the cliques of middle school are alive and well online. And it’s still hard.
But then I wonder if it’s just more obvious in blogging. I wonder if I do this in “real” life without realizing it. Thoreau has me thinking: Am I putting enough energy into my actual friendships? Do these women feel their value in my life, or do they feel like I’m looking over their shoulder for their ideal cousin?
That’s what I love about quotes like this: They give us a chance to analyze and evaluate where we are right now, so that can adjust for the better.
What about you? Link up (details here) with your thoughts on these wise words from Thoreau.
