Category Archives: Parenting

The Best Parenting Advice

August 19, 2010ParentingKirsetin

In those first few overwhelming weeks of motherhood, I stumbled through the grocery one day, unshowered and barely conscious, only to run into a neighbor. She was already a mom, three times, and was one of the few people who really seemed to understand how hard it was. Most of my friends with new babies made it look so easy, and I felt very alone in my ineptness and frustration.

She gave me three pieces of advice, all of which I held dear for quite some time, but only one of which remains with me today. “Just remember,” she said, “every phase is just that, a phase. It, too, shall pass.” Thank heavens she was right.

And now, as we approach the year when our son will get his driving permit—because, yes, they are crazy in this state—I am surprised at how often I still find myself chanting the mantra, “this, too, shall pass.”

There are those days, weeks, and months of calm waters, nothing ruffled, smooth sailing. But when the ones filled with the stormy tempest of teen angst and hormones blow through, I sometimes wonder how I will make it. I think of my many friends who attended boarding school and wonder if their parents were onto something.

But then the storm quells and the peace returns. And I can’t imagine my boy anywhere else but with me.

And isn’t that what this is all about? Soon, so soon, he will be off on his own instead of with me, and it’s up to me, and my husband, to best equip him for that time. How much leash? How much discipline? How high to set the bar?

I know that very soon I will look at my grown-up boy, the man he becomes, and smile. I know that this teen phase, too, shall pass, and that in the passing I will miss it.

I think maybe that’s what my kind, wise neighbor was trying to tell me.

Free-Range Parenting, Cell Phones, and the NY Times

July 2, 2010NY Times, ParentingKirsetin

What does a cell phone free party have to do with a NY Times article and free-range parenting?

They’re all things that have been on my mind lately.

As I sent my kids off today, money was practically dancing its way out of their pockets. It didn’t take long for them to tee-up at the local mini-golf and drowned themselves in Cheetos. As they shared their funny tales and adventures with me later this afternoon, I thought about free-range parenting and the many pros and cons of that movement. I thought about my desire to let my kids roam and experience and discover and the cold hand of fear that grips me when they leave. I thought about the list of pedophiles and the child abductions on the news and I held my breath for awhile. I’ve never quite made it into the free-range club, but I’m trying to help them grow up one step at a time. Being out on their own is one of those steps.

As you may have guessed, these “steps” can leave me gasping for air. It’s hard to watch your babies walk out the door, even when they’re moments away from shaving. I’ve found the cell phone to be a security blanket of sorts during these times. They can call. I can reach them. It’s not a babysitter, but it’s something; it’s a connection we can use if we need to–we rarely do. Really? Would you want your mom calling every 4 minutes? Even I know better than that! If you’ve read here for any length of time, you know I also have some reservations about kids and cell phones–not them having them, per se, but them showing good judgment and discernment. I’ve written about texting lingo parents should know and the crazy, and sometimes dangerous, world of sexting. But still. I like being able to get ahold of them if I ~~want~~ need to.

One of my concerns about kids and cell phones is that although they are more “connected” than ever, the kids are really less connected than ever–real conversation is reduced to a few characters of witty reparte and this is how relationships are built. Solid, right?

At any rate, you may recall that when we have kid parties at our house, they are cell-phone free. When my son received an invitation to a birthday party recently, and at the bottom of the invite it said, “We ask that you respect our request to not text or call during the party,” I beamed from ear to ear. I just love that.

And finally, on a completely unrelated note, yesterday I jotted down a few things I like about living in a small space for the summer. How surprised was I to see this article, When Less Was More, in the NY Times today? What do you think? I can’t see people running away from their McMansions to embrace a tiny cottage, but it would be an interesting turn of events, wouldn’t it?

Happy 4th!!

Why My Kids Don’t Watch TV (except when they do)

June 18, 2010kids, media, ParentingKirsetin

I was thinking about starting a Why My Kids Don’t Watch TV blog. Except my kids do watch TV. They don’t watch much, it’s true. They don’t even ask; it’s a non-issue, really. And how we got here, and why we got here is so simple and so complicated that it’s hard to articulate. It’s especially hard to articulate without offending you, the rest of the world, because it’s a different choice, and we all know how people feel about different. I can practically see yours eyes rolling now.

But word gets out and then I get questions and instead of trying to answer them over and over again, I thought, “Hey, I should blog about that.” But really? Who wants to read that blog? Should I start one about avoiding high-fructose corn syrup, too?

So here’s what happened–the simple part–in as small of a nutshell as I can manage.

Back in the days when I worked in a lovely high rise in a fantastic city, full time, pre-kids, and newly married, I observed the lives of several of my part-time colleagues with interest. They all had small children and their days off sounded lovely. The Today Show followed by Barney (I’m that old) and a leisurely breakfast with their toddler. Yes, obviously now I get the irony. There is no such thing as a leisurely breakfast with a toddler but you know, the grass is always greener and at the time it was a very nice fantasy. I thought, “One day, in a time far far away, I too will have a baby. Instead of fighting traffic on I-5, some days I will sleep in, we’ll watch TV and enjoy a bowl of Captain Crunch together.”

Yes, you can keep laughing.

Years later when my first baby arrived, I took a 4-month leave of absence. I would love to tell you that I enjoyed 4 months of blissful bonding with my baby so much that I didn’t dare poison his mind with TV. But it didn’t go down that way. For so long, I had identified myself with my work. I loved my work. I hated grocery shopping during the day. It felt so humiliating: All of these people know I’m not at work! In retrospect, it seems silly, but at the time? Painful. Also, the crying. Being the research-y type that I am, I’d read every parenting book I could find. I knew what was coming. I knew the baby would cry and that sleep would be occasional but I didn’t know how those things would make me feel. My poor husband would leave for work in the morning with me crying, “Please come home early,” and come home to the baby crying–his colicky time was 6-9 PM–and so it went. Good times.

It was no surprise then, that I hired a college-age babysitter to come to the house and returned to work, pronto, at the end of the 4 month mark. I worked from home while she played with the baby, and went into the office once a week or so to give presentations, attend meetings, and catch up on the office news. For myriad reasons that belong in a different post, 5 months later I left the job I loved to stay home with that almost-done-with-colic baby. I still did consulting work for my old company, which was a good compromise for me and I stopped crying when my husband left for work,which meant it was a good compromise for us, too.

And so, The Today Show, right?

But no. It didn’t work out that way after all.

The easiest explanation I can give for my change of heart is this: My baby was busy exploring the world. He was playing with blocks or Brio trains or banging things into each other to see what would happen. If I wanted to sit him down in front of the TV, he’d have to stop doing those other things. For me, it wasn’t worth the trade.

For me.

And here’s the catch with parenting. I really don’t think everyone should parent their children the same way. If you take your kids to Disney every year, do you think I’m a bad parent because Disney is at the very very (and I mean very) bottom of my vacation destinations? I hope not. If your kids are fantastic travel soccer players, and I choose not to pursue travel soccer for my kids, am I wrong? I don’t think so. Life just doesn’t work that way. Do I think there are some choices we can all make that are better than others? Sure, but who among us is perfect? Go ahead and cast that stone if you dare.

My kids never formed the habit of watching TV; they don’t even know what’s on when. Except for Packers’ games. Those early days of watching Brett take them to the SuperBowl must’ve made a lasting impression. This isn’t an issue we argue about. TV rarely fits into our lives–between school, homework, meals, sports, and playtime, I don’t know where we’d find the extra time to watch a show on a regular basis. But we do watch occasionally or if there’s something on we think we’d all enjoy. And I watch Tina Fey every Thursday night, which I count as the official start of the weekend.

But I haven’t seen The Today Show since college. Go figure.