Category Archives: life

When Are We Better Off Alone?

March 21, 2012friendship, life, perspective, relationships, Uncategorized, Wisdom From the Ages, Wise Wordsfriendship, life, quotes, relationships, wisdom, wise wordsKirsetin

Wise Words: 'Tis Better to Be Alone — photo by Alejandra Mavroski

“‘Tis better to be alone, than in bad company.” -George Washington

Some of us like being alone more than others. I’m in the former camp. Me, a book, a burger, and a beer? Beautiful! There are few things I like better than slipping away for an evening out by myself to relish anonymity and quiet among the crowds.

When I think of us echoing George Washington’s words–perhaps to our children–I think that sometimes words are easy for us to say simply because they’re catchy. We hear a phrase we like, we latch onto it and repeat it without ever stopping to think about what it really means.

But when George Washington says, “’Tis better to be alone, than in bad company,” what does he mean by “bad company”? Who defines “bad”? Because none of us really think we’re spending our free time hanging out with shady characters, do we?

As I thought about this idea, I considered my own friendships. I thought about the ebb and flow, about how sometimes I take more and sometimes I give more. I thought about the time I sat across from my girlfriend and poured my parenting heart out while she listened and encouraged me to hang in there. I thought about the time I spent comforting another friend, whose husband decided that 15 years of marriage was enough for him. I thought about how this ebb and flow is critical to long-term friendship, because none of us can be on the giving side all of the time. And if you’re not taking sometimes, you’re not giving your friends the opportunity to really know you, so you’re not developing a long-term friendship after all. You’re just having coffee.

As I pondered this, I began to wonder about those people—the ones who are always givers or always takers—and I wondered if they fall in the “bad company” category?

Would it be better to spend time alone?

Link up below with your thoughts on these wise words (details here).

On Not Turning Our Back on Friends (Wise Words from Thoreau)

March 14, 2012friendship, life, perspective, relationships, Wisdom From the Ages, Wise Wordsquotes friendship, Thoreau, wise wordsKirsetin

“How often we find ourselves turning our backs on our actual friends, that we may go and meet their ideal cousins.” – Henry David Thoreau

Every time I read this quote it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. Do you get that feeling? Is it just me? Perhaps it’s because I’ve been on both sides of this equation.

I’m fortunate to have a wonderful group of friends—some from years and places past, others that I see regularly—whom I’d never turn my back on. These are the women whose company I simply enjoy. We laugh together, mostly; we share life with its joys and challenges; we celebrate each other’s accomplishments and talk through our troubles. We walk, we run, we raise a glass. Sometimes, we cry.

I can’t imagine looking beyond these women for their ideal cousins. They are the ideal cousins.

But I didn’t always have this tribe. I moved a lot as a child, I went to college far away from home. When I graduated, I moved to the other coast. Making new friends is hard; finding the ones you love—even harder. But I’ve been lucky: I’ve made a good friend or two every step along the way. All these years later, that means I have a bevy of go-to-girlfriends that I wouldn’t trade for the world.

As my mind strolled back through the years and friendships, I thought about the insecurity of youth and how I struggled to make my way in the wide, wide world. I thought about how, as I stumbled foal-like towards my tribe, I probably did just what Thoreau says. I made new friends and kept looking, just beyond, for ones that would “fit” me better. I probably hurt some feelings along the way. I probably missed out on some friendships that would have been fast and true.

I also thought about the times I’ve been on the receiving end. Because, let’s face it, I’m not always the ideal cousin. I’ve felt the thin smile, the glance over the shoulder, the “I wonder who’s in the other room?”

Bloggers—do you feel this with blogging? I do. There are so many people in the blogosphere, and so many who are interesting. We want to know them. We want them to know us. Occasionally we meet someone we like. She likes us. But then it turns out that she likes the cool kids more. We don’t hear from her much anymore. There’s no question: the cliques of middle school are alive and well online. And it’s still hard.

But then I wonder if it’s just more obvious in blogging. I wonder if I do this in “real” life without realizing it. Thoreau has me thinking: Am I putting enough energy into my actual friendships? Do these women feel their value in my life, or do they feel like I’m looking over their shoulder for their ideal cousin?

That’s what I love about quotes like this: They give us a chance to analyze and evaluate where we are right now, so that can adjust for the better.

What about you? Link up (details here) with your thoughts on these wise words from Thoreau.

Wise Words 1: The Most Important Things

March 7, 2012life, perspective, Wisdom From the Ages, Wise Wordslife, perspective, relationships, secrets, tribe, wisdom, wise words, writingKirsetin

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it?…you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.” –Stephen King

Do you have these kinds of secrets? The ones that you stumble upon and wrestle with, the ones that flip and turn in your mind like rocks in a tumbler, until you’ve polished them into a brilliant gem? A gem you quietly hide in the recesses of your heart?

I do.

Stephen King’s words took me by surprise the first time I read them. “Yes!” I thought. “He nailed it.” He took a concept I’d tiptoed around, an idea I thought was incredibly complex and articulated it simply: “The most important things are the hardest to say.”

I find that this is true whether I’m really, physically saying a thing—naming a dream, challenging an idea, confronting a friend—or simply trying to convince myself.

Ideas, I think, are the hardest for me. As a concrete thinker, for example, I have no business being intrigued by Vision Boards. Except I am. Are you familiar with this idea? To create a Vision Board, you clip pictures that resonate with you, deeply, and glue them to poster board, butcher paper, or other background. Admitting that I find this fascinating is harder than you might think. And it’s hard for the exact reasons Stephen King expresses.

First: “words diminish them.” So true. When I say Vision Board it feels wishy-washy and dreamer-like. The rest of my brain screams: Make a plan. Write it down. Pros and cons. Cutting out pictures on pasting them on poster board? Is this elementary school?

And that’s just when I say them to myself.

When I say them out loud, or here, to you, they shrink to eleven tiny letters, two words and a space on a page. The words “vision board” represent a concept, an idea; they’re without substance. They’re void of the thought and hope and heart that bring them to life when they reside in my mind. The fear of giving voice to these words, to paraphrase Stephen King, is that you may not understand what I’ve said—or you might look at me in a funny way—or you might completely miss why this idea is feels big and important to me.

One of the most essential components in this process, I think, is the community with which we surround ourselves. When our spouse or friends or, if we’re lucky, both, lend “an understanding ear” it allows us to make our revelations with all their glory and shortcomings, without fear of mockery or judgment. We’re free to unlock our secrets. But equally important is the reverse: that we, ourselves, lend “an understanding ear” to the others in our tribe, acknowledging the value of their most important things, too.

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This is the first post of Wise Words, a place we can describe how wisdom from across the ages resounds in our lives. (I’ll post a new quote each Monday; details, here.) I’d love to have you link up below and add your voice. When you do, be sure to link to your Wise Words post, not just to your main page. Also, please link here on your post, so others can find us and join if they’d like. If you don’t get to it on Wednesday, no worries—you can add your link anytime this week. Last, but definitely not least, add to our sense of community by reading the thoughts of at least one of the other writers/bloggers who participates.

Many thanks!

PS When I read Caz Makepeace’s recent post on Jeff Goins’ blog, I thought it was right in line with this idea. I highly recommend it for a great read about following dreams and quelling doubts.