Last week I was writing a list of my strengths, the life experiences and traits I possess that are assets to me as a writer. (People, please. This wasn’t just for fun and hubris, it was an assignment for a class I’m taking.)
No problem. It took some time to think this through, but I have a fairly solid grasp of my strengths and weaknesses so it wasn’t a stressful assignment. Public speaking: strength. Getting clothes into the hamper: weakness. (Ooh, essay idea, right there!)
When I checked in with my classmates, an absolutely fantastic bunch by the way, here’s what I found: their strengths were really strong. Life as an expat with baby-in-tow, and illegal home births (Hello, Kentucky, really? Illegal?) are just a couple of things this talented group brings to the table. As I read through their ideas I was excited to get to know these women.
Fast forward one day: Time to get busy. I whipped through a query letter and felt good about it. Solid idea, probable market, all good. Then I tried to pitch the same idea from a different angle. Tremendous thud.
And suddenly, out of left field, the insults came flying. You’re ideas aren’t good, you’re not good at spinning stories, Listen up, Little Miss I’ve Had a Happy Life: you have a lot less to work with and write about than your friends who’ve been through the ringer.
This astonishing lack of confidence came from within, of course. I was taken aback; lack of confidence is not my modus operandi. I don’t have time to wallow in that kind of nonsense and so I don’t. But this time? This time it snuck in the backdoor, tiptoed around, and smacked me with such a stunning display of uncertainty that I was unnerved. So brazen!
I was tired the day of the assault, having played Let’s Pretend We’re Still In College the night before with one of my closest friends. To be fair, we solved most of the world’s problems after midnight so you can rest assured we’ll play again. But peeling my body out of bed the next morning wasn’t easy. And after three hours of work and at least as many Diet Pepsis, I was still a little groggy. When another friend showed up for lunch, I lamented my newfound uncertainty. With a sage smile my friend replied, “But you’re tired today. I always doubt myself when I’m tired.”
I’m quite sure I’ve never heard a better argument for getting a good night’s sleep!
Ummm…..sorry.
were you in chat last week (or maybe it was the week before?). someone posted this great video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcmI5SSQLmE
it's pretty much a 'take that you gnarly inner critic' video, but way nicer and softer and left me with that 'aaaah' feeling.
I'm having to muscle through the inner critic and just remind myself, I'm right where I need to be and I'll get out of this class exactly what I'm meant to get out of it, no more, no less, and beating myself up for being anything less than WHO I AM isn't going to help me grow. (way easier said than done, btw). you are just perfect as you are, period.
don't let your inner critic be too hard on you, we ALL have so much to learn in some way or another.
Here's a secret…..I felt that way too, especially when reading your bio.
Honestly, most of my professional life I've been terrified that, "OMG they're about to discover that I have no idea what I'm doing." So. Um. Yeah. Normal. I think we all have that inner monologue.
Oh yes, I know exactly what you mean. Everything feels good and flows right along…until it doesn't. And then it seems like battling that inner critic takes more work than the writing itself.
That's why I love that Meagan is pushing us to send out those queries before we can self-edit ourselves into sniveling heaps in the corner. I need that push too.