I’ve looked for it.

In HR I preached about it.

But in all these years I’ve never found the answer to it.  Know why?  Because there isn’t one.  There’s no one answer.  It seems obvious once it’s out there, doesn’t it?  But balance isn’t about how many hours we work or how often we get to the gym or how good our sitter is or whether we brought homemade cookies to school.  Balance is about recognizing what we can do, and what we can’t do.  Balance is about understanding what we desire, articulating our values, defining our goals, and reconciling each of them into a workable life strategy.  Balance is about knowing our limits and our strengths, and making the most of them. Balance different for all of us.

Some women can run companies, attend PTO meetings, write novels, cook meals, play with children, and still find time to go the gym.

The rest of us have moments when we just want to scream, “Why?  Why did I say ‘yes’ again?”

So I did a super-scientific study based on lots of empirical evidence started paying attention.  I watched and listened and I asked lots of questions.  The stunning results are in: each of us thrives—and breaks—under different levels of stress.  (We’re talking good stress here.  Let’s leave bad stress for another time.)  The key is understanding what these levels are for ourselves, and not worrying about what everybody else is doing.

Hey, didn’t our moms try to teach us this? 

So what’s your style?  Do you recognize yourself in one of these descriptions, or do you fall somewhere in-between—are you a unique amalgam all your own?

I have a friend who likes to volunteer for things—committees, playgroups, projects, whatever—but doesn’t cope very well with the subsequent stress of running them.  She’s very focused and she does her best when she chooses one or two things and does those things really well.  She’s easily thrown off balance when she adds something else to the mix and can’t devote the amount of time she’d like to it.  She has what I’d consider a very low stress tolerance and a very high focus energy.  And you know what?  That’s fine.  For her to feel like she’s achieving “balance” though, she needs to recognize this truth about herself and commit accordingly.  Otherwise, it’s a tsunami of emotion, and none of us wants to be around for that.

Another friend of mine is the go-to girl for many a thing.  Need somebody to round up artists, get them on the cheap, and bring them to schools?  She’s your woman.  Need someone to host a girl’s sleepover, bake a bazillion homemade cookies, and keep tweens happy?  Give her a ring.  Looking for someone to keep your books, tally your sales, answer your calls?  You guessed it.  She’s happy to give it a try.  This kind of woman participates, fully, and to achieve balance she has to be really good at setting boundaries.  “Yes, I’ll host a tween sleepover extravaganza, but not until this huge work project is finished.”  When she does it, she does it well.  Her biggest challenge:  Not comparing herself to the Uber-Juggler.  Too many commitments = one very unhappy Happily Committed mama.

We admire these women.  We wonder how they do it all.  And then we try to do it all, too.  If you’re one of these go-getters, chances are you’re wired this way.  I know a few women like this and they all say the same thing:  Juggling this many balls is what makes me tick.  These friends hate downtime, even if they occasionally long for more of it.  For them, balance is more of a moving target, and most of the time this type of woman understands this about herself.  The trouble isn’t that there are women like this.  It’s that the rest of us try to measure ourselves with the same yardstick.

And that, my friends, is the essence of what I think most often throws us off balance.  We feel off balance when we say “yes” to too many things not because we want to say yes, but because we hear other people saying yes.  And then we feel like we ought to say yes, too.  We feel like we should, so we do.  And then we don’t have time for the things that really matter.  And life is out of balance.  And we wonder how we got here again.

My suggestion for all of us?

Define our goals.  Understand our priorities.  Focus inward a little more and outward a little less.  Let’s really give this some thought.  What’s most important to us at home?  At work?  Personally?  Relationally?

It’s time to get our lists going, girls.  Articulate, define, and plan.  When we finally understand where we want to go, it doesn’t matter so much where anyone else is going. 

And, wow, that feeling of relief?  That’s what I call balance.

This post was done as part of a Blog Carnival for the Fem 2.0 Campaign.  Interested in participating with a work-life post of your own?  Check here for Katherine’s call for entries (about.com’s Working Moms Blog).  Read other opinions and thoughtful posts from here.  Really, read them–there is so much thinking going on here!  I absolutely love this type of discussion.